The Swoly Bible

Chapter 1

Life Before Lifting

Honestly, I am not even sure what there is to say about life before lifting weights. All I know is that there was no science, no text, no research or literature dating back to the time period BL. Because of scientific advancements, we now know that life existed Before Lifting, but there is nothing worth talking about. Man was a barnacle on society, a fucking troglodyte, before he started moving mass. Nothing mattered until man grew a pair of arms, swam to the surface from miles beneath the sea, and climbed his ass onto land. It was in that moment, my friend, that life truly began.

Now, if you haven't yet lifted, you are still in the ooze state. To be human means that you have to be in a solid state, and you are far from there at this point. The fact is, you have not been to church yet, and you have not met the Swoly Spirit.

It's important that you recognize where you came from. I know where you came from, but I ain't your dad. You can call me daddy, though. Your mom already does. Ouch. But let's take a deeper look at who you are at this point in time. You are young, but not the cool kind of young like Young Jeezy. By definition, "young" means that you have not grown. It does not matter how old you are because the fact is that you have not started lifting yet, which means that you have not grown, ipso facto, you are young.

And you are definitely scrawny. Being scrawny is worse than being skinny, and that is really tough to do. Being scrawny goes beyond what you look like-scrawny engulfs your personality. When you are scrawny, even your soul is frail and weak. People pity you and want to give you their leftover Chili's. The only positive to being scrawny is that you can literally lift any weight and it will add muscle to your body. Anyway, I am not trying to ruin your confidence 30 pages into this book.

Just kidding, you have no confidence. You are like the fat kid from Rocket Power, but at least he had friends. When a

A self-proclaimed expert on everything, Dom Mazzetti is an Italian-American bro in his early twenties that hails from the tri-state area. Confidently stupid with good intentions, Dom refuses to grow up, and takes glee in his day-to-day responsibility-free existence. At his core - way down deep to his perfectly sculpted core - Dom is a great guy, just misunderstood. Dom is the type of guy that will give you the shirt off his back, even if you don't want his shirt, just so he can be shirtless. This is his first book.