Bad Dog

Introduction
 
Entering the Ring
 
Is it just me, I ask my ninety-pound copilot, framed in the rearview mirror like a hairy Warhol Marilyn, or is everyone losing their minds?
 
I m sorry to say, she seems to be sorry to say, it s just you.
 
  Did we miss our turn? I can t see the signs.
 
And I, she says, can t read.
 
Now I will advise that when you re going somewhere that is not so easy to get to, don t let me drive.
 
There are few guarantees in life like the one I will make to you now: you will get lost. Very lost. So far from your destination you ll be looking out the window as darkness descends, watching street signs change into another language. During my days as the world s most ungrateful management consultant, I tooled around London in a rented Ford Fiesta with one of the rm s partners, who spun on me after a string of boneheaded turns and said, Who was it that hired you again?
 
Losing her religion, my copilot a ve-year-old Bernese mountain dog named Hola stretches herself out on the backseat of our alarmingly small car and moans softly, serenely, like a butter y being sawn in half by wind.
 
You re not helping, I say to her, as the Sprain Brook Park­ way is glazed with a silver coat of fear.
 
Neither are you. Did you bring any cheese?
 
  If you re driving, says the guy on 1010 WINS news radio, think about getting off the road. We have a severe weather warning. It s going to get ugly out there.
 
Not as ugly as White Plains, New York.
 
A gray blanket stuffed with old malls, it claims to be thirty minutes north of Manhattan. Ninety minutes after setting out, Hola and I nally slide into the parking lot of the Port Chester Obedience Training Club, where we re scheduled to take the Canine Good Citizen test ten minutes ago.
 
The PCOTC is a legendary facility that relocated from Port Chester to an industrial

MARTIN KIHN is an Emmy Award nominated former writer for MTV s Pop-Up Video and the author of House of Lies and A$$hole. He has worked at Spy, Forbes, and New York, and his articles have appeared in The New York Times, GQ, Details, and Cosmopolitan. He lives in Minneapolis.

"Martin Kihn is just too talented I still don t know how a writer can be that laugh-out-loud funny while chronicling a major life crisis and his story is just too good to miss. (And of course the soulful pictures of Hola, his lovely Bernese mountain dog, don t hurt either.)"
Christian Science Monitor

"It s the special relationship between man and animal that form the heart of the memoir. . . Any dog lover is bound to tear up over the love and trust that can exist between a person and their dog, which Kihn captures perfectly with a blend of earnest emotional catharsis and wry humor."
The Daily Texan

"Not a cozy Marley and Me duplicate or Cesar Millan type training book (though readers will learn a lot about the value of appropriate training from someone who s been there), this sharply written, darkly funny memoir cum dog story cum recovery tale is a quick, absorbing read that will serve a wide audience well."
Library Journal (Starred Review)

"This wry memoir of the human-dog bond is one that eschews the usual treacly sentimentality in favor of a raw, deeply sincere, and self-aware homage to this powerful bond."
Publishers Weekly (Starred Review)

"Hola, surprise, surprise, grows enormous, while also growing out of control, ignoring commands, sprawling, immovable, across the bed. Add to this rowdy mix the fact that Kihn drinks way too much and that his wife, Gloria, is on the verge of leaving him, and you have a recipe for a surefire heartbreaking bestseller along the lines of Marley and Me."
Minneapolis Star-Tribune

This tale of a man who forgot he was a man and the dog who ultimately reminded him is the most touching, original buddy story I ve come across in ages. Sit. Stay. Read.
Walter Kirn, author of Up in the Air
 
A modern masterpiece that captures the dark side of K9 love.
Julia Szabo, Dogster.com
 
Martin Kihn s agile wit is showcased in this memoir of addiction, recovery, and the highs and lows of canine and