How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

Introduction

Keep reading if you want to live. 

   Call them what you want. Garden gnomes. Lawn ornaments. Little evil outdoor statuary hell-bent on world domination. It doesn t matter. What does matter is that, right now, they re hiding in plain sight, pretending to be symbols of merriment and good will. But secretly, quietly, while pushing diminutive wheelbarrows and brandishing miniature flowerpots, they re planning home invasions all over the world. Perhaps they re in your backyard right now and you re staring at one while reading this. (Wait a minute does that gnome look a little closer to the patio door than yesterday?) 
  Fear not. Now that you know they re planning to strike, you re much safer than you were sixty seconds ago. The next thing to do is learn everything you can about how to protect yourself, your loved ones, and your residence from these malicious garden dwellers. Do you know how to stop a gnome from tunneling under the house? What is the best (really the only) way to combat several gnomes at once in close quarters? How to interpret their communication? Would you recognize the signs of a gathering hoard or an impending infiltration? If you answered no to any of these questions, it s a good thing you re reading this handbook. 
   How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only survival guide that instructs you on how to prevent and ward off a home invasion and eradicate them from your property for good. In the unfortunate event of an actual attack, it will prepare you for battle, outlining dozens of possible encounter scenarios and defense strategies. It is important to read the book in its entirety for a thorough understanding of what you and millions like you are dealing with. And after you ve finished reading, you ll be ready to face the pointy-capped little men waiting outside and save your own life in the process. 
   If you think you have time to waste, rest assured

Introduction . . . . . 1
 
Part 1 Assess
            1. Are You at Risk? . . . . . 7
            2. Suspicious Activity . . . . . 11
            3. Recognizing Communication . . . . . 21
 
Part 2 Protect
            4. Passive Fortification Area Denial . . . . . 31
            5. Gnomeproofing Your Exterior Access Denial . . . . . 39
            6. Gnomeproofing Your Interior Internal Defense . . . . . 47
 
Part 3 Defend
            7. Ten Tips That Could Save Your Life . . . . . 59
            8. Their Arsenal . . . . . 67
            9. Your Arsenal . . . . . 73
 
Part 4 Apply
            10. Mortal Combat . . . . . 87
            11. Gnome Roam No More . . . . . 95
 
Acknowledgments . . . . . 106

Chuck Sambuchino (@chucksambuchino) of Writer's Digest Books edits the GUIDE TO LITERARY AGENTS and the CHILDREN'S WRITER'S & ILLUSTRATOR'S MARKET. His Guide to Literary Agents Blog is one of the largest blogs in publishing. His 2010 humor book, HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN GNOME ATTACK, was optioned by Sony Pictures. His latest humor book, WHEN CLOWNS ATTACK: A SURVIVAL GUIDE (Sept. 29, 2015), will protect people everywhere from malicious bozos and jokers who haunt our lives. His books have been mentioned in Reader s Digest, USA Today, the New York Times, The Huffington Post, Variety, New York Magazine, and more.

Just AWESOME...filled with delightfully demonic photographs of rampaging, blissful garden gnomes. This is a classic gift book (just in time for Christmas) with eye candy pictures galore.
This Garden Is Illegal blog, 9/29/10

reminiscent of a Monty Python s Flying Circus sketch, which is the highest praise I can bestow on a humor book.
Carpe Geum blog, 9/26/10

The book is written so straightforward that it seems believeable. And helpful. And well, words fail me...the book is a hoot...[it] is perfect to display on a coffee table. Think of the fun you'll have when your guests notice it. Will they look around to see if diminutive creatures are sneaking up on them? Will they look at you as if you're totally nuts. At any rate, fun will ensue...The book would also make a great gift for a gardening enthusiast especially if the gardener already has some garden gnomes. Or bundle the book with a garden gnome and let the recipient really wonder about you.
Peevish Pen blog, 9/23/10 

"Let s say your smiling lawn gnomes are plotting a home invasion. Here s the definitive guide to 'prevent, prepare for and ward off' that attack."
Sacramento Bee
 
"This breezy read and its charming photos are ideal for anyone who melts whenever they find a new version of that classic ceramic yard ornament, the gnome."
Denver Post
 
"Hooray to Chuck Sambuchino for not breaking character once during his entire book including the Acknowledgements page. This book is for those special folks with quirky senses of humor."
San Francisco Book Review
 
"Every gardener and most non-gardeners will love this stylish, hilarious book."
Buffalo Spree Magazine

You ll laugh. You ll question the sanity of the message. You will look with new eyes on that garden gnome you thought was a mere, sweet little elfin garden ornament. I found myself wondering as I finished this marvelous small book; when will How to Survive a Pink Flamingo Attack, be released?