Strange Situation

Chapter One

In 2005, I lay in bed beneath the Christmas lights in the loft of our little house in the Catskills, The Baby Book propped against my giant round belly. This encyclopedic volume by Dr. William Sears and his wife, Martha, a nurse, is the seminal guide to what they call attachment parenting, the controversial approach to raising kids that encourages mothers to breastfeed, co-­sleep, wear their babies in a sling, and engage in what they call the Seven Baby B s of Attachment Parenting, all designed in response to an infant s innate need to be close. That made good sense to me, though I knew that many people felt some resistance to this method, especially the fact that it seemed to ask an awful lot of parents and particularly women.

I, however, welcomed the Searses invitation to wholehearted ­though some said over-­the-­top ­parenting and their insistence that when a hungry or an upset baby cries, he cries to be fed or comforted, not to control. And they made it sound so simple: All parents, especially mothers, have a built-­in intuitive system with which they listen and respond to the cues of their baby. What would it be like to listen to my baby s cries? I wondered. Would I sink into this magic realm of knowing what to do? I had heard so many stories about colicky babies and tantruming toddlers and parents losing their shit. And I had seen that mom in the grocery store, the one who ignored her crying child. I thought, Just pick the kid up! How hard can it be?

While Dr. Sears says that attachment is an intuitive system, the technical term is a set goal behavioral system, and, as I have come to understand, we all have it, not especially mothers. Caregiving, attachment, sexuality, affiliation, fear ­these are called set-­goal behavioral systems. We are all equipped with these whole body/mind organizations that kick in when needed to work tirelessly until they reach their goal. When we lose track of our child in Target, there will never come a

Bethany Saltman, a longtime Zen student, lives in a small town in the Catskills with her family. Strange Situation is her first book.

[An] absorbing and edifying corrective . . . Saltman tells two separate stories here: One is her personal journey as a mother, the other the story of the science of attachment. But the narratives are also deeply intertwined. The Washington Post
 
This is a unique and thoughtful book part memoir, part social science, part biography of [Mary] Ainsworth and part self-help. Readers who are battling their own demons as parents may feel grateful for Ms. Saltman s unsparing account of herself. The Wall Street Journal

Strange Situation is a book that will change you. Surrender to this seductive, searching, genius hybrid of social science and memoir and you will never hug someone, laugh, or hear a child cry the same way again. Wednesday Martin, New York Times bestselling author of Primates of Park Avenue and Untrue
 
Strange Situation is a beautiful exploration of what makes us human our relationships. By artfully weaving together her own experiences as a mother, daughter, and wife with the science of attachment and the fascinating life history of one of its founders, Mary Ainsworth, Saltman helps us to see ourselves and our relationships with those we love in an entirely new way. Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
 
Brilliant, brutally honest, and ultimately redemptive, Bethany Saltman s powerful and meticulous new book, Strange Situation, made me see my own childhood and my own parenting in a fascinating new light. This book flooded me with emotions and questions, but unfolded like an epic drama. I couldn t put it down. Amy Chua, New York Times bestselling author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and Political Tribes: Group Instinct and the Fate of Nations

A beautifully written account of the courage, luminosity, and sheer audacity of loving someone.