FastPencil: One Big Joke (And 300 Shorter Ones) (ePub)

Pictured on the cover, in his younger, more athletic years before he ventured into stand-up comedy and literally tried his hand at writing, Jon D. Webster is seen sporting the coveted green jacket awarded to all Masters Tournament winners. He was the youngest champion on record and per his request, the first in the tournament's history and quite possibly the last to celebrate his win with a Mickey Mouse balloon.

As for the content of this book, here is a sneak preview. As Shang Tsung said in Mortal Kombat. "And now for a taste of things to come."

I'm an incurable insomniac. I like to say that sleep and I have a strained relationship. In the evening she plays hard to get and in the morning she's clingy. I actually have to take prescription sleeping pills in order to fall asleep. On my bottle of prescription sleeping pills, there is a warning label which says "May cause drowsiness." No. It had better cause drowsiness. That's what I'm paying for.

Frequently, on the interstate, I will see signs that say "Expect potholes. Use caution." I think they need to replace those signs with what they really want to say. They need to put up some signs which say "We really fucking don't feel like fixing the road."

Recently, someone I know moved into a new house. When they moved in, there was a sticker on the front door which said "This property protected by angels." Not ADT. Not a home security system. Angels. I told them I think they need to remove that sticker because nothing makes a would-be robber say "We're gonna rob this place" quicker than a sticker that says "This property protected by angels."

Jon has written for outlets such as the Modesto Atheism Examiner, Guardian Liberty Voice, Unreal News, and Back Room Knox and has been featured on The Pink Atheist, Road to Reason, Freethought Forum, The Freethought Radio Hour, Atheist Analysis, and Reason TV. Jon has a Bachelor of Science in Theatre and Communication Arts and is working on a Masters Degree in Applied Psychology. He is the author of Nothing Sacred: An Atheist Quote-A-Day Calendar, Blasphemy: Atheist Quotes and Essays By An Apostate, Unreal News: A Collection of Satire, and 10 Decisions I Could Have Made Better Than God: And Other Audacious Atheist Articles, all of which can be purchased through Fastpencil.com.