Dope Tits (ePub)

Life is good in Fremont, Ohio. Well, acceptable. If one ignores the fact that Rusty Slump, local ne'er-do-well known for public defecation, and his sometimes girlfriend, CoCo McArdle, have recently dug up the corpse of hometown hero Rutherford B. Hayes with thoughts of ransom. But their hopes are dashed when they realize no one really cares. But then they discover, through sexual hijinks, that if you mix the drug ectasy with the flesh of the dead president's penis, you get one hell of a high. They dub their new drug Purple Hayes and attempt to take over Fremont's vast and dangerous criminal underworld. Unfortuatenly, although Hayes' penis meat is prodigious, it can only last so long and soon the highly addictive drug disappears from the streets of Fremont.

This is good news for the Fremont Police Society, as the town is about to host their annual celebration, Hayes Dayes. But something more dangerous than Purple Hayes is coming to town.

A demon, Maude the Layer of Waste, has escaped the confines of hell, bent on destroying all mankind. She inhabits the body of the recently dead Connie Pendleton, a virginal teen accidentally killed by Rusty. Maude the Layer of Waste transforms Connie's body into a curvaceous sex kitten, Dearly Departed, and begins searching Fremont for the perfect mate to help her carry out her plans. She sets her sights on Rusty, but he passes out every time they have sexual congress. The young thug soon realizes the demon's breasts are psychotropic, just like Hayes' penis.

Rusty and CoCo have stumbled upon a way to regain their position in the vast and dangerous criminal underworld of Fremont, Ohio, as long as the demon doesn't end the world first.