IF I WERE YOU (ePub)

It's 6 am on 8/5/23, and I woke up and started thinking, this is kind of a bad habit of mine. I'm closing in on 71 years old, and guess what? I've written a book. I didn't mean to write a book, it just happened. Over the years, I just started writing thoughts down as they occurred to me. I wrote for years on the memo pad on my phone. I had written down a lot of stuff for over a decade and 5 months ago the thought occurred to me that if I lost or damaged my phone all my writings would be lost. So I bought this computer. I then figured out a way to put all my stuff into Google documents, and the book happened. Now I find life kind of funny. Do you know who's read my book? No one. So my book is important to no one but me. Well, I take that back because publishers have read part of my book, but to my knowledge, no one has read it all. Now several publishers have told me I have written a bestseller. What are they going to tell me? I've written a bunch of garbage that people will think is stupid? The money they want is as high as $10,000 to as low as $999. This last quote was given to me 4 days ago, and he's willing to take 3 payments of $333. When he gets the $333 they'll go to work on my book no one has read.

I figured out how to make an ebook, a paperback, and a hardback myself by using a free website called Draft2Digital. I started out with one book, then broke the one book into three books. Now I'm back to one book. I even made a little website for my books. I've had to date 349 hits and people have looked at my books and not one person has downloaded anything. They're free. I am beginning to think my days as a so-called author are somewhat limited. I was planning on giving Stephen King a run for his money. Shit. I'm going to post this on Facebook now, more to come. If anybody ever reads this. My intent is not to be rich or famous, I just like writing stuff no one reads. I think I'm playing with 49 cards and the tools in my shed are dull.

I think most people who write and call themselves authors probably have no idea how to format and publish. I am somewhat ahead of that game because of years of working in telecommunications. Cell phones. I became pretty good at figuring stuff out. I had to, it was my job. I live on social security, so coming up with $333 is a stretch. Well, what is the publisher going to do for the starting $333? They're going to make an ebook, paperback, and hardback and place them in retail channels like Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, Kobo, and Apple, to name a few. Amazon is kind of a different story, but they assure me that will happen. I have already accomplished all of this for my books no one reads. I am now going to post this paragraph on Facebook for advice. Would you spend $333? Well, no one will probably answer because I'm stupid and haven't figured out quite yet that no one reads my stuff. I think I need some good mental meds.